Click...click...click...

It was a mysterious clicking noise that  timed itself perfectly to the  cadence of my steps as I walked .  What was that strange sound coming from my behind? Ah - yes - my phone had once again made the executive decision to photograph the scenery.     It was an answer to my prayers!  I have always wanted to know what my butt looks like from inside of the back pocket of my jeans.   I have been working out and am pretty proud of myself - so I thought that I would share one of the 100 pictures of my hind quarters that have uploaded to my phone, computer,  gmail,  G+ (wherever that is) and probably to half the nations in the free world.

Cougar in a Wildcat

We now have time to take fun rides around town in my neighbor's fabulous old school vehicle - on a WEDNESDAY!    A 1967 Buick Wildcat - wow that is crazy old....hummmm...wait.... that ancient car is 7 years younger than I am!  It took thousands of dollars and countless hours to fix up - so perhaps there is hope for an old gal.

Torture for Women

I'm taking this newfangled "exercise" class that I love/hate.  I love the fact that we suffer as a group and pay money for it.  I hate the entire 60 minutes of torture.  If you think that I am just a whiner - here are some examples of the contortions we are put through:

the left knee is off of the ground - in case you did not notice...and then we go "up an inch and down an inch"...and then "up an inch and down two inches" until the exercise finishes below ground level.

in this picture - the body positions are mis-represented.. by this time in the class the butt cramps have kicked in and are so severe that the ballerina leg flops jelly-like in  spasms on the floor.  The head is face planted into the carpeting.

this is the infamous C curve... looks easy - right?  Well - this is just the set up part - next we take the right arm out to the side and the left arm out to the side and then "tuck, tuck, tuck" ... ....................in my head I substitute an "F" for the "T" ... .

D'oh!

I sincerely hope that there are no failures in this class.  What?  Your glass is half empty instead of half full?  Points will be taken off...

One of my favorite Onion pictures

http://www.theonion.com/articles/sun-dreading-rising-today,26467/





SUN DREADING RISING TODAY

Favorite Onion article

NEWS IN BRIEF

Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

OCTOBER 26, 2011 | ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43

ARTICLE TOOLS

SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults. "Our research suggests that while overprotective parenting ultimately produces adults unprepared to contend with life's difficulties, highly permissive parenting leads to feelings of bitterness and isolation throughout adulthood," lead researcher Daniel Porter said. "And, interestingly, we found that anything between those two extremes is equally damaging, always resulting in an adult who suffers from some debilitating combination of unpreparedness and isolation. Despite great variance in parenting styles across populations, the end product is always the same: a profoundly flawed and joyless human being." The study did find, however, that adults often achieve temporary happiness when they have children of their own to perpetuate the cycle of human misery

For more Onion http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-every-style-of-parenting-produces-dist,26452/

And for exceptional bravery...

Today, I say "poo, poo" to my colonoscopy cowardice,  and in honor of my extreme courage , I  am rewarding myself with fauna and flora... and Starbucks (picture not shown).

Blog cheating - Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal

I know that this is cheating.  Plagiarism is the best way to share my thoughts on the past couple of days.  Just so all 2 of you following my blog  know ... this is DAVE BARRY's article - not mine - go to www.davebarry.com to read more of his funny stuff.   




 Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
 
     I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
     appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
     showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
     to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
     Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
     a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,
     but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
     shrieking, quote, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
     BEHIND!"
 
     I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
     prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box
     large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
     detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
     to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
 
     I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
     nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
     preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
     solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
     water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
     MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
     plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
     unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
     Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
     because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture
     of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 
     The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
     great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose watery
     bowel movement may result." This is kind of like saying that after
     you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
     MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graph ic,
     here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
     much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
     times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several
     hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
     eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
     empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point,
     as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
     eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
     After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
     morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
     was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
     occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What
     if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something
     like that? Flowers would not be enough.
 
     At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
     understood an d totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
     said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
     where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
     and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist
     perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even
     more naked than when you are actually naked.
 
     Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
     hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
     I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
     vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
     thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
     yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
     staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
     but to burn your house.
 
     When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
     where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
     not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
     there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me
     roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
     something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in
     the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by Abba.
     I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
     during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" has to be the
     least appropriate.
 
     "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
     "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
     dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
     yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
     exactly what it was like.
 
     I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
     shrieking "Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ..." and
     the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
     mellow mood . Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
     I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that
     it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
     have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Dummies that read Dummie books

Here are a few of the most frequently asked questions (and answers) from the book Colonoscopy for Dummies:

Can I Wear Makeup or Jewelry
During My Colonoscopy?
Makeup isn’t going to make a bit of difference where the
doctor will be looking. But if you’re more comfortable when
you’re made up, there’s no reason why you can’t look nice
for your big day . . . just don’t let it make you late for your
appointment!



Really - I think that perhaps my grandmother's brooch will be just the ticket to sparkle up that drab hospital gown...or maybe that turquoise piece with the silver flowers... I usually spend hours and hours planning out my jewelry selection for the day - so I had better get an early start!


Can You Be Awake
for a Colonoscopy?
Yes, you can be.



No thank you...


Can I Brush My Teeth
before a Colonoscopy?
If you are so inclined, please do. Your doctor and your staff
will appreciate it!


I'm sure that halitosis is the worst thing that the doctor would smell during this procedure...

(Do not eat), drink and be merry... before a colonoscopy

1 US gallon = 3.78541178 liters - so this 4 liter jug is over a gallon of colon blow to be consumed this afternoon.  


wow


That is  a lot.  

The dog will LOVE a dog vacation!

 Here we go!

 Indiana Dunes - Mount Baldy - and random people ... Much easier to go down than to go up...

Even after several hours of guarding the Frisbee in the hot sand, he steadfastly refused to go into the water...I'm pretty sure that this fun outing may have caused him permanent psychological damage.

Household sadness since the boys left

 Such sorrow -  where have the 2 hour showers gone?

 No more empty gas tank when mother gets into the car in the morning...

 A very quiet fridge (at the optimal temperature) since the doors are now closed after they are opened...

 A discontented dog stomach - where are the midnight snacks?

 A naked bedroom floor - chilly and exposed to the world...

 A lonely plunger next to a forsaken pristine potty, next to a full toilet paper roll...

Where are the piles and piles and piles of putrid socks and underwear - mixed with the clean clothes that should have been put in the dresser drawer?  How about the towels that smelled like  rotting carcass?

Follow through - very important in golf

Now I see why everyone loves the game...

Golf - a great way to de-stress

I knew that they were in the garage somewhere.  My dad gave me the clubs when I was in my twenties. I was excited to get back into the "swing".   Yes - that was a few years back - but I'm thinking that playing golf is like having another baby -  the memory of the excruciating pain fades after awhile.   The formerly  brilliant blue golf bag,  has faded to a dusty silver color over the years.  I empathize with its affliction.  I am surprised to see that  all of my woods and irons are intact and the woods are actually made of wood. I believe that cave men might have golfed with something similar.  Note to self - do not damage clubs - they might be considered antiques on Ebay.

Time and money are two necessary ingredients in the game of golf.  That is why you  see either old men or young fathers on the golf course... wait a minute.... Where are the women in this mix?  Why don't they get to spend their Saturdays and Sundays leisurely enjoying a four hour, one hundred dollar round of golf? Oh yes - they are either too exhausted and feeble to swing a  golf club or they are at home clipping coupons with the kids.

Look - a cup holder too!

Today - I am breaking the mold and going to play nine holes of golf at the local course.  It will cost me $15.00 to walk the course and that is exactly what I'm worth (give or take a couple of bucks).  After  I swing the old hickory sticks I am going to courageously walk into the bar and have a beer.  That is empty nester planning at its best.

Yuk

Now I have time to read about another great upcoming activity.   Fifty two is FUN!  I will be SURE to give you all of the details!

Kong fun

Torturing the dog with a Kong of treats... on the deck...which is looking really nice...

Lamp quiz

Ugly or good? You tell me...this is what happens when the nest is empty.  I have time  now to help YOU with all of your decorating needs...